don’t know what to say right now…

I’m going to just type and not worry too much about what comes out.  I find myself very scared and lonely right now.  I’m not sure what I would do without my children.  They are both a blessing and a distraction. 

I get irritated so often with their many requests…and feel guilty at night when they are all asleep that I didn’t spend any REAL time with them.  I’m just on edge…missing my old life again…missing friends that I don’t have contact with anymore…missing being a part of the surface world…where fun, money, sex, connecting, and being happy (or trying to be) is called living.  I want that life back…for me as well as Laura.  It can’t be…and that leaves me feeling empty and guilty about the whole damn thing.

Then I realize again that here I am…and I must be here…because…this is where I am.  No choice.  None…check please!

I also hate these sad, pity-filled posts because everyone has problems.  Losing your wife at a young age…with young children…well…that just happens to be mine. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m scared and wierded out by the whole thing.  I also know that I will do what must be done to keep this family happy and strong.

This is so much rambling.  I apologize for that.  I’m trying to think of a lesson…but it escapes me right now.  Screw this whole mess…

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Published in: on May 31, 2009 at 11:30 am  Comments (10)  
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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thats ok. There doesnt have to be a point with everything. Sometimes, there are just feelings, mixed and messed up. It must be hard and scary and dark to go through what you are experiencing as a family and individuals. I send you my light and hope!

    • Thanks. It’s very hard sometimes…sometimes not as hard. This is just one of those days…

  2. No need to apologize, Andy. Cancer sucks. Period.
    How old are your children?

    • 3 girls (the best) 15, 12 and 8. 1 boy (equally the best) 7. All of them are so cool…most times. (Cooler than me all the time…)

      • 🙂

      • (I am not sure how the smiley face appeared as my comment…. oh well…) I think it’s wonderful that you and Laura have four awesome kids.

      • It is wonderful. And painful…but wonderful wins…

  3. I hope you always feel free to write out your thoughts like this. Its not self pity, its not complaining…its your reality and its painful and frustrating. I actually have two blogs….and if you would like to be invited to my private blog let me know (anyone is invited….its just one that I don’t want to be accessed publically so its invite only)

    Anyhow, I appreciate you sharing like this. I think that many people can relate, empathize and have compassion for each other when we allow ourselves to be open like this.

    I hope things get better for you. Life is not easy.

  4. Andy, even though we all have problems, it’s that connection to others that helps us through it. Your words might help someone else who is feeling the same way and thinking they should not feel that way.

    The way you are feeling is 100% understandable. I cannot even imagine how you are still standing. You are lucky to have your kids to keep you going and they are so lucky to have a dad like you.

    Kelly

    • Thank you, Kelly. I never thought of it like that. There’s just a lot of not honest stuff out here in blog land…and sometimes I feel a little left out.

      Again…thanks for the kind words…

      AK


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