[NOTE: For any of the following to make sense I need to tell you what I believe God is about. I believe God is an observer…not a singular being…and not engaged in our lives the way we want to believe he/she/it is. That is the subject of a different post…but not this one.]
I am playing God these days. It’s all I can really do. I am observing the sickness that cancer brings…and the counter-sickness that accompany her treatments. I am emotionally detached from the suffering I witness daily. It wasn’t like that early on…but I don’t have the luxury of feeling sorry for anyone anymore. (Not living there anyway…) That only makes a bad situation worse…and people are counting on me.
I cannot do…
I cannot cure Laura. I cannot make her hair stay on her head. I cannot ease her sick stomach. I cannot force her to eat. I cannot take away her aching bones and muscles. I cannot make her breathe easier. I cannot give her her strength back. I cannot remove her sadness. I cannot tell her what dying is like. I cannot tell her if we will all be together in heaven. I cannot tell her that she will feel better again soon. I cannot tell her
I am God.
There are so many things I cannot do. But…I can be like God. I can be with her…and watch with a certain detachment…and accept that this is what it is. That’s what God does, I think. And so…I am playing God.
Thirty Seconds... 
Dear Laura, Andy and your sweet family,
Godspeed Laura on her journey. I am thinking about you and praying that she does not suffer so much. She is blessed to have you by her side. Love, Sheila
Playing God, playing Life. 🙂 May Light shine on you even in the darkest moments.
I think it does, Helen. Just wish it wasn’t so damn painful. You need to know how much your book suggestion is getting us through this with just a few less tears. (And it’s not over ’til it’s over.)
I am so glad the books are helping you! I can see that, and that is wonderful! We are more powerful than we sometimes realize, aren’t we? Take care now and enjoy this day!