Playing God…

[NOTE: For any of the following to make sense I need to tell you what I believe God is about.  I believe God is an observer…not a singular being…and not engaged in our lives the way we want to believe he/she/it is.  That is the subject of a different post…but not this one.]

I am playing God these days.  It’s all I can really do.  I am observing the sickness that cancer brings…and the counter-sickness that accompany her treatments.  I am emotionally detached from the suffering I witness daily.  It wasn’t like that early on…but I don’t have the luxury of feeling sorry for anyone anymore.  (Not living there anyway…)  That only makes a bad situation worse…and people are counting on me.

I cannot do…

I cannot cure Laura.  I cannot make her hair stay on her head.  I cannot ease her sick stomach.  I cannot force her to eat.  I cannot take away her aching bones and muscles.  I cannot make her breathe easier.  I cannot give her her strength back.  I cannot remove  her sadness.  I cannot tell her what dying is like.  I cannot tell her if we will all be together in heaven.  I cannot tell her that she will feel better again soon.  I cannot tell her

I am God.

There are so many things I cannot do.  But…I can be like God.  I can be with her…and watch with a certain detachment…and accept that this is what it is.  That’s what God does, I think.  And so…I am playing God.

[Please know that Laura has a lot of fight in her…and we are expecting her to be here for a much longer time.  It is NOT the end.  These are things I’m learning on the way.  Nothing more…nothing less.  Please don’t read more into it than that.]
Published in: on June 22, 2009 at 4:49 pm  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dear Laura, Andy and your sweet family,

    Godspeed Laura on her journey. I am thinking about you and praying that she does not suffer so much. She is blessed to have you by her side. Love, Sheila

  2. Playing God, playing Life. 🙂 May Light shine on you even in the darkest moments.

    • I think it does, Helen. Just wish it wasn’t so damn painful. You need to know how much your book suggestion is getting us through this with just a few less tears. (And it’s not over ’til it’s over.)

      • I am so glad the books are helping you! I can see that, and that is wonderful! We are more powerful than we sometimes realize, aren’t we? Take care now and enjoy this day!

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